The 23 Effects of Dr. Pepper
Do you remember those commercials from the turn of the millenium with the catchy
Dr. Pepper jingle? “Dr. Pepper/You make the world taste better/yeah/You make the world go ’round” Well, whether or not the rhyme is true the song popularized the soft drink and it’s twenty three flavors for all the world. Perhaps most effected by this jingle was Remedy Drive’s lead guitarist Paul Zach, a man who is completely and utterly addicted to Dr. P.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the whole story. Little does much of the population know, Dr. Pepper and it’s twenty three flavors are highly addictive and render such side-effects as to warrant the drink to be out-lawed in much of Russia. In lieu of Paul Zach’s addiction to the soft drink we have performed a study and isolated what seem to be the twenty three side-effects of drinking Dr. Pepper to excess:
1. Causes one’s hair to grow at extraordinary rates.
2. May cause the urge to wear a headband at any given time.
3. Grants one the power to be a beast on the guitar.
4. Tends to inspire one to respond in witty and/or sarcastic ways.
5. May cause one to only dress in dark colored skinny jeans and t-shirts.
6. Gives one the ability to continue to jam while being tackled by an older sibling.
7. May cause the urge to get a cute dog.
8. Grants the drinker a quality sense of humor.
9. Causes one to stay thin, however it hinders the building of muscle mass.
10. Bubbles help to cultivate an unnaturally smooth singing voice.
11. Creates an inquisitive nature, especially when the drinker is in or around the Chicago area.
12. Increases the drinker’s energy by approximately 72%
13. Causes amazing stage presence.
14. May cause one to scream like a little girl while riding roller coasters.
15. Aids in ones pole vaulting skills.
16. Enables one to make long drives in the wee hours of the morning.
17. Causes one to enjoy the heat.
18. Causes a love of U2.
19. Makes one’s eyes crinkle when one smiles or laughs.
20. Grants scooter riding abilities.
21. May give the drinker an insatiable love for the 1993 Chicago Bulls team.
22. Gives one a competitive nature.
23. Causes a hatred for gardening of any kind.
I think this list adequately and concisely explains Paul’s awesomeness, do you?
(Hey…if you’re from the Coca-Cola company–don’t sue us. This is really just a joke, okay?)